Losing Myself

I really don’t know how I got to this place. This is just too much drama! Now I got the police after me, and I didn’t even do anything! Well, not really. I know one thing, I hope that no-good bastard had himself a good ole time, because I don’t want to ever see him step foot on my doorstep again. At least when I get a doorstep. He’s probably gone kick me out of his house for sure now. Where am I supposed to go? Back to my folks home down south? I don’t think so.

Great, there’s a roadblock up ahead! Which way do I turn now? I wish I knew this part of town better. Nobody behind me anyway. No lights, nothing. The sirens are fading away. Once again, the stupid cops done went the wrong way trying to catch somebody. This time, I’m glad they’re so stupid, because they’re looking for me. Little ole me. What did I ever do to anybody? All I ever wanted was to live my life and be happy. Looked for a little bit of affection from somebody I’ve known a while, thought I could trust. We had a good thing going too, until his wife started to get her panties all in a bunch ‘cause he was happy somewhere else. Hell, she hadn’t wanted him!

Almost home now. I flew down that highway! Let me just get in here and get myself relaxed. He probably won’t even have the decency to leave his wife’s place after I just busted up his groove. Shoot, this morning when I left, I hadn’t even realized that I was on my way over there. I just got in my car to go pick up something to eat, and the next thing I knew, there I was going the opposite direction. He had been missing for going on two days now, but I knew better than to file any missing persons report. I knew where he was. He didn’t think I would remember that he’d told me she lived in that neighborhood, which wasn’t even close to being the best neighborhood, with her ole trifling self, walking around with her nose in the air like she got it like that. Just because I didn’t know the area didn’t mean that I wasn’t resourceful. I had my ways.

My heart had dropped when I pulled into the second parking lot of my search that morning and saw his candy apple red and black Ducati parked right beside her cheap, used Kia. I already knew what I wanted to do: get out and bust that door down, pregnant and all. I was dying to do it, cause a scene in front of all her low-class neighbors in this trash dump of a neighborhood.

But I didn’t because I didn’t know exactly which apartment was hers. All I did was pick up my cell phone and call. The first time, he had the nerve not to answer, so I hung up and called right back. He must have sensed my presence or something, because he picked up real quick that time.

“Hello?” The future father of my child spoke into the phone in a hushed voice, like he was afraid of waking that tramp up.

“It’s Desiree,” I said calmly. “You need to come outside.”

“What?! Look, it’s early and I’m tired. I’ll call you later on.”

Before he hung up on me, I let him know what the deal was.

“You better come out here right now before I knock your pretty little bike over on your wife’s jalopy!”

Then I saw him peeking out of a third-story window through some of those cheap plastic, somewhere between white and beige window blinds. It had to be him. Everybody else in this run down neighborhood was still snoring.

“That’s right!” I said into the phone. “I found you!”

I could hear his skanky whoring wife in the background saying she was gonna call the police.

“Okay, okay,” he was saying to me. “I’m coming. Just let me get something on first. Just calm down.”

He kept saying this while I could hear her in the background talking to someone. Then I heard the sirens.

“How could you let her call the police on me?!” I yelled into the phone. I was furious! The nerve of him! I hadn’t even turned the car off in the half-empty parking lot, so I took off immediately, heart beating hard and heavy, hot tears burning in my eyes.

At the house, I had gotten in and immediately ran upstairs to use the bathroom. It seemed like I had to go all the time, and I just knew I was putting on ten pounds a day. At three months, I was already swollen and miserable. I took a look at myself in the mirror and immediately regretted it. At least my puffy, red eyes matched the rest of me. When I emerged, something told me to go to the bedroom window and take a peek outside, just like somebody would do who was running from the police. To my surprise, I saw my future baby’s daddy at the corner standing beside his motorcycle.

Now he decides to come home, I thought. Why isn’t he coming in the house? All of a sudden, several police cars pulled up out of nowhere, no sirens, no nothing. I saw the person I thought I loved walk over to one of them. He said something I couldn’t hear from in the house, then they all started towards the front door.

What have I done? What has gotten into me? My life as I knew it was about to be over. All because I’d come back to this place, thinking I could make a life with this man. This married man who obviously didn’t want me. He had seemed overjoyed that I was carrying his child when I told him about my pregnancy. What am I gonna do? I can’t tell my parents about all this. They didn’t raise me this way. They raised a lady, sort of. At least, that’s what I’d let everybody think. They loved me for who they thought I was. Maybe I’m not a smart, intelligent, sweet country girl after all. Had the city changed me that much?

No. It was him! I was doing fine until he showed up. Or I showed up…in this city, in this relationship. I was successful, making plenty of money before I moved here, with enough in the bank to cover myself until I could find a decent position. Now who’s gonna hire me? A pregnant, homeless criminal! How long would I have to stay in jail? I knew this married man wasn’t gonna help me with this one. Hell, he was the one who brought the police to find me! He is obviously not the one for me.

I could hear the police coming up the steps to get me, telling my married man to stay downstairs as if I was dangerous. Ha! I almost wanted to laugh out loud. As if I was the one who was dangerous! Too bad it took me so long to see the fire through the smoke.